she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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