laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
