i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
