I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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