There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
