who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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