I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
