my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
