this boner is exhausting
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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