So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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