Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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