You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
