i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
