When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
