everyone is single if you try hard enough
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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