Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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