How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
