he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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