i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
