Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
