I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
