I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
