sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
