Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
