Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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