where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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