is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
