my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
