Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
