yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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