Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
