Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
