I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
