Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
