A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
