Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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