I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
