When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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