I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
