Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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