Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
