Whod you bang
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
