my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
