I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
