and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
