I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
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I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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