Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My feet surprised me
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