Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
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Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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