hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
