every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
