guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
