put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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