I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
