Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
