Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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