'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
