Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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