I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Randomize
